Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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