can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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