did you get engaged???
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
