I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize