Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
