Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
