i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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