i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
