MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
