If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
