Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He better not be in your backpack
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
