i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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