It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
