Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
