I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
