hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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