This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
