I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize