The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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