I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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