theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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