i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
