my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
