Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
