I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There's always time for handjobs
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
