the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
