What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
