If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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