he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
