also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
