I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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