i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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