evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
