I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
