Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
