I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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