Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
