That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
