We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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