Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
