I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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