My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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