That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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