So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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