I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
