I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
