and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The struggles of a small town man whore
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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