My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
