Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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