hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
