You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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