I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's great music for shaving your balls
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
