don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize