Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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