I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
