I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
