i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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