Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
