Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
