I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
