I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
