don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
