I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
