Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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