I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
